Fizzle&Poop

I like mice...

2004-11-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

Man, them's tasty if'n you grill 'em.

My childhood sucked big time

2004-10-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

I went to a school that made me feel funny because I didn't get to go on break with the other kids and then they sent me to summer camp where some sick ass kid kept beating off in the bunk above me and then my parents split up and then I had to go BACK to school without a break and one time I slipped and hit my head and OH DEAR LORD WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GLASSES! I NEED MY GLASSES, DON'T STEP ON MY FICKING GLASSES!

I typed ficking instead of fucking because I had lost my glasses. I'm just gonna sit in the corner and cry...

I don't believe you

2004-07-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

So you can stop lookin' at me. It ain't gonna help.

Hell's Calling

2004-07-15T14:52:00.001-07:00

I stumbled on a website where, for the paltry sum of (your soul) you can have any demon, up and to Beelzebub himself, call you (or a loved one) and deliver a special customized message! Some of the messages that you can have delivered are as follows:

"You'll be killed in a car accident soon" $19.95 (us)
"O.J. did it" $19.95 (us)
"You're not as cool as you think" $19.95 (us)
"All the kids are selling THEIR souls, why not you?" $19.95 (us)
"Happy Barmitzvah" $19.95 (us)
"Your spouse has been cheating on you" $19.95 (us)
"Your house has termites" $19.95 (us)
"Happy anniversary" (great in tandem with "spouse cheating"-2 for $25.00) $19.95 (us)
"Your pet really isn't as smart as you give them credit for" $19.95 (us)
"Hey, spooky, you're not really a vampire" $19.95 (us)
"My butt itches" $19.95 (us)
"The Insane Clown Posse, while spooky, aren't really magic" $19.95 (us)
"I know what you're getting for Christmas and it's gonna suck" $19.95 (us)
"Secretly, your mom hated you" $19.95 (us)
"You're scheduled to die cold and alone" $19.95 (us)
"Pro wrestling isn't real" $19.95 (us)

And more! Also, from the FAQ section of the site, these nuggets of wisdom appear:

Q: Does it hurt to sell my soul?
A: not at first

Q: Can I write my own custom message?
A: no.

Q: How can you do this so cheap?
A: You think your soul is cheap?

Q: No, all the prices say $19.95 US
A: Ohhhh, yeahhh....All of our calls are $19.95 (US). prices slightly higher in Canada justsignonthedottedlineinbloodandshutup.

Q: What if I'm not home when they call?
A: too fucking bad. We had a deal.

Q: What if I don't have a phone?
A: even better.

I'm hoping to get JFK to call my neighbor here in Old Shanty Town. That'll be cool. Now, I just have to wait for him to get a phone and me to get a soul...

Beans and Jesus (Martinez)

2004-07-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

I love frijoles refritos! I surely do, especially if they are prepared by Jesus Martinez, Frijole chef extraordinaire. He can whip you up a serving of beans faster than you can say quick. Also, when you're done, you'll feel satisfied. That's right. Jesus can satisfy you with nothing more than some beans.

Of course, he has to have his magic pot. Without it, the beans won't be the same. I know, because one time I had him come over to my shanty (one location to serve you, in Old Shanty Town) and had him try and cook his beans in my (not so magical pot) and it just wasn't the same.

So, if you're in town, and you crave the meal that is "beans," Seek Jesus and you'll find your beany salvation.

I wish for a weenie whistle, and not the one YOU'RE thinkin' of

2004-07-15T14:51:00.001-07:00

So I was rifling through the trash near Old Shanty Town and found a package that, at one time, contained Oscar Meyer Weiners. Emblazoned on this package is a blurb about how, if I can formulate a wish that is worthy enough, I (of all people) could win the weeniemobile for a whole day. A whole day! I could use it to run errands, or even go to a drive-in movie, something I've ALWAYS wanted to do. Heck, if the weenie mobile would come pick me up, I could get a job! Oh, the possibilities.

According to the wrapper, my wish has to be two parts "creativity" and like, one part "goodwill" with a dash of "good taste." Well. Damn. This could be a problem. See, as much as I like helping people (believe me, I do) I can't stand the smells inside of those Goodwill stores. Plus, if I wanted to go around wearing other people's poo-stained clothes, I'd just maintain my current system of digging through the trash. Either way, I'm going to wish...

"wish" me luck! heh heh heh.

A short tale of woe and celebration

2004-07-15T14:51:00.000-07:00

So, one time, my Dad shot me in the ass with rock salt. and it hurt. I learned a lesson. "Don't come home late if Daddy's been drinkin'."

And that was "always."

Mermaids aren't real

2004-07-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Mermaids aren't real
(fortified with vitamins and minerals)
Mermen aren't real, either, so don't go to your local aquarium or Pet City and ask to see one. They'll most likely laugh at you and, if you get agitated and aggressive, the cops will come and beat your mermaid loving head in. Just a word of caution, goofy. They fucking don't exist...

In other news, I've been working on a very special project. I've been trying to come up with a special "punctuation thing" to place at the ends of sentences to denote the times when I am acting quizzical or actually "posing a query" to someone.

After a long period of time, including having a number of "focus groups" involved in the process, I've decided to call my item a "question mark." I shall unveil this new "question mark" to you now...

You are free to use this "question mark" in your own sentences as long as you send me a royalty fee. I accept Visa, Mastercard, Library Card and Food Stamps.

I have a real magnetic personality...

2004-07-15T14:45:00.001-07:00

at least that's what some lady told me. She even gave me the results of what she told me was the "culmination of a long process of careful and clandestine observation" of my daily behavior. Hee hee, I love all them big words! Anyways, here's my teste scores:

Fucked-Updedness: 74/100
Irrationality: 46/100
Destructiveness: 88/100
Ill-timed sentiments: 38/100

You are a DICK--Damn Interesting Cool Kat. This makes you the most awesomest person to hang out with 'cause you have so much energy. You lick people's digits and make them feel very at home. If used properly, you won't have to be turned upside down, so as to get the most out of the bottle, the bottle will constantly be full.

To your "friends," you are someone to be avoided until they need money or a ride. To strangers, you are easily approachable, in fact, people feel very comfortable about the prospect of coming right up to you, hitting you with a crowbar and stealing your wallet.

You would benefit from body armor and/or an entourage. As long as they won't get any ideas about hitting you with crowbars and stealing your body armor.

Hey, Kids!

2004-07-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

Man, what a night. I haven't imbibed that much alcohol since "I don't know when" and, even if I did, I wouldn't have remembered due to the quantity of booze in my system at the time. Messes with your memory, you see. Anyway, I envy those people who can avoid vice and sin and strong drink and men posing as women. But, like the good boy I am, I must soldier on...

Oh, you're wondering what I'm talking about? I went to a park downtown in our little burg yesterday.

This was my first excursion to the park in over two years, following the "poop cannon" incident. I told them I was feeling ill!

So anyway, there's a lot of stuff in this park...I mentioned before that there are both "bums" and "squirrels," I ate a squirrel, yadda yadda...There's also shuffleboard, some grass, benches, a fountain, trees, bums, squirrels, bugs...The fountain? Yeah, it's formed in the shape of an old man people call "uncle Lester." Every so often, when the fountain is full of booze, a steady stream of yellow liquid will issue forth. "Uncle Lester" doesn't mind so much if you frolic in the spray, just as long as you toss him a nickel or two.

Oh, that's NOT a fountain? Aww, man...All this time. And he runs like clockwork...*sigh*

But, nonetheless, I went to the park. It "rained" on me for a little while, thanks to Uncle Les, but the experience was otherwise enjoyable. I got to chase some squirrels around for a while and then played the game wherein you drop a rock on a sleeping bum and see if he can catch you as you run around the park, whooping and hollering. Man, that tires me out like "nobody's business."

So, while I was there, I saw a couple kids steal someone's dog. I wanted to say something, but my conscience got the best of me. I got to thinkin' "maybe these poor kids REALLY need that dog. After all, dogs are expensive and if their parents can't AFFORD a dog, stealin's the next best thing." I then snapped out of it and threw rocks at the kids' heads until they ran home crying. "Job well done, buddy," I told myself. I then tried to pat myself on the back, but screwed up my elbow in the process. Man, that hurt.

So, after too long, it was time to head back to my shanty (located conveniently in "Old Shanty Town") and rest my weary bones. Luckily, a beer truck had run off the road near there and, on my way home, I stumbled upon the scene. The rig was upside down and the driver was trapped in the cab. He kept shouting "help! help!" and so I did. I helped myself to some of the beer and got the hell out of there. I must've drank 3 or 4 cases that night. Ah, yes. THESE are the good ol' days, my friends...These are the good ol' days.

Freddy's Dead

2004-07-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

Talk about false fucking advertising. "Freddy's Dead, the Final Nightmare" (which, if memory serves, was presented in 3-D in select theaters) was OBVIOUSLY not the final fucking nightmare. Give it up, already, before we have some sort of fantastic four redux featuring Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers and the fucking Mummy...Or whomever. Shit...

Send in....THE CLOWNS!..

2004-07-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

Aww, crap, where are they? They always come around and give me wedgies and steal my Schlitz® malt liquor collectible coins. I hate them! Anyways, here's a little story for you all, replete with a mystery code at the beginning...

------
FU2

Jojo was a man, he thought he was a loner. Of course, you would be too if you carried the kind of psychological baggage that this loser did. There's the incident with the gorillas at the neighborhood zoo...and then there was the small amount of time he spent in the street gang. He's still trying to figure out that whole "tagging" concept...

But, no matter how many people wish to have Jojo dead, you really should be able to derive some inspiration from how much he loves life. Ignorance is bliss, after all...

One such incident that should prove my point happened just weeks ago near Old Shanty Town. There was an injured puppy that had been found over by the railroad tracks. Jojo tried his damnedest to nurse the little fella back to health. Turns out it wasn't a puppy after all, it was a rat, it bit him, he contracted rabies and died a horrible, painful, frightful death. But he was a trooper right up to the end.

Ahh, well. Only the good die young...Where was I?

Oh, yeah, I'm enrolling in Clown College! There's no residency restrictions and I can be in and out with a degree in just under 6 months. I figured it was Clown College, Bartending College or Beauty Academy, but in the end, making people laugh while scaring children HAD to win out. After all, they don't allow kids inside taverns and those little fuckers won't keep their head still when you're trying to cut their hair. At least I didn't when I was a kid. I don't think that society has changed all than much, do you?

So anyway, yeah. I'm gonna be "Butt Trumpet" the clown. I figure I should hit big in France.

The college offers a 12-step program where you get your own room, your own mentor and even get to choose your own personal "higher power." Oh, wait, that's that OTHER place...I'm not allowed back there, all because of my cool, colorful bottle collection.

Sometimes it's nice to have different bottles that you can collect and then display with pretty wildflowers in them. It really can bring a certain rustic charm to any decor and brighten up the fragrance of a room.

HOLY CRAP! I DID NOT JUST TYPE THAT!...

So where was I?..Oh, yes, clown college. I'll be starting my training soon, starting with remedial trips and falls, basic makeup technique and anger management. It's a tough courseload, but I can handle it. If I can handle living in a shanty (in old Shanty Town) and eating mouse squeezin's, this should be cake.

I'll be available for birthdays, weddings, barmitzvahs, batmitzvahs, funerals and televised court proceedings very soon...Maybe I'll even have a website!

Next stop: Scary clown!

One little, two little, three little Doo Doos...Oops...

2004-06-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

So, my trip back to Old Shanty Town after the festival last week wasn't all bad. I met someone special on the way home and we seem to be hitting it off admirably. Well, mostly admirably, except for that one incident with the chainsaw and the girl guides and the latex rabbit...

I'm so very sorry about that...

Anyway, life in my Shanty (in Old Shanty Town) isn't so bad anymore, what with the addition of LOOOOVE in my life. I like love! Nay, I love love. I like like, but...Well, you get the picture. I'm starting to think that there may be a way out of this place after all. I like life.

The family that lives in the shanty next to mine fight all of the time. I hate that! When I'm trying to catch a few 'Zs' on my cot, all I hear is banging and screaming and crying and stuff. GET IT TOGETHER! I swear, if they get into it just ONE MORE TIME...well...I still have a match left over from the 4th of July last year...We'll have an "early display," mark my words...

(singing) slow down, you move too fast....You got to make the morning last just...skippin' down the cobblestones...Lookin' for fun and FEEEELIN' GROOOOVY! (feelin' groovy!)

So, back to my having met someone. I'm thinking of having her over to my shanty for dinner! I sure hope she likes mouse juice casserole, I've been dying to try that recipe out on someone. Perhaps, if all goes well, she'll "lick my bug..." Hmmm....

I REALLY feel the need to throw in here that Derek is a really awesome guy. He's never spiteful and he never hits me in the head with ANYTHING!

Well, gotta go...Mice to squeeze and all...Catch you all later!

Balloonist attacks man whom he believed stole his "hot air..."

2004-06-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

This one weekend some time ago, I went downtown in our little burg (mostly to escape the soul-crushing depression of Old Shanty Town) and, to my shock and delight, there was some sort of "festival" going on. People were engaging in fun (and what appeared to be very gratifying mastication (RIGHT THERE ON THE STREET!) so I joined right in, never one to be a "party pooper."

Everything was cool until someone "pantsed" me. Or de-pantsed me. Either way, there I was, pantsless. Mooning God and Country, butt crack flapping in the wind. I cried out "Why would you do that to me!?" It was then explained to me that my belt broke. thoroughly embarrassed, I pulled my pantalones back up and slinked away.

There're both "bums" AND "squirrels" in Acacia park...Did you know that? They rounded up all the squirrels, char-broiled them and fed them to the bums during the "festival." Everyone was a winner. It made me feel all funny inside.

Anyway, at the corner of Platte and....Somewhere, there was a man offering free balloon rides. Man, I love to float off into space, especially when it's a controlled situation. I ponied up the 5 bucks and took my place in the basket. The line was released and off we floated, into the wild blue yonder.

Ok, so I immediately threw up, but I had 4 TURKEY LEGS and a squirrel prior to flight! They were good! Unfortunately not good coming back up, but you make do. After I hurled, though, I was fine. I sat back to enjoy the ride when I suddenly spied a very odd sight...

Another balloon operator had HIS balloon seemingly on a crash course with OURS. The other operator was swinging his fists and cursing at MY operator, shouting something about "stealing his business." I ducked down into the basket when I witnessed the other balloon pilot whip out a crossbow and begin firing arrows at OUR balloon.

My pilot laughed and told me not to worry, that OUR balloon was reinforced. He then whipped out a throwing star and scored a direct hit, sending his opponent spiraling down to certain doom.

I have never felt closer to death, nor have I witnessed more bizarre operational behavior between two commercial competitors. I have to admit, though, I chose the right pilot that day. He was prepared for ANYTHING...

Man, people suck.

I'm Collin The Pirate...

2004-06-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

Yarr, motherfuckers.

Don't Nobody Worry 'Bout Me...

2004-06-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

I am clearly an adventurer! Of course, being out in the adventure...um...places for a long time can be quite lonely. And sad. Also, lonely. *Sigh*

doctor,
doctor,
gimme
the
news
I
gotta
baaaaaad
case
of
lovin'
ewes...

---

Ok, see, mind you that my life of ease and leisure comes at a price! That price being "$14.99" From each of you. Look, if you want pizza and cocktails, you have to pitch in. Otherwise, there's the door. Show your broke ass out.

Actually, you can stay. Let's chat about how morosely romantic the sun is! Stare at it! You can't help but cry. At the very least, you'll be rubbing your bleary, teary eyes and moaning in pain. Emotional pain! Blissful, searing emotional pain. Ah, how I've missed it so...

Hey, on friday, lets all go out to the Go-Kart park! we can race around, run into each oth....What the Hell do you MEAN they "tore it down!?" DAMMIT!..FUCK YOU, PARKING LOT! FUCK YOU TO HELL! or something...

So, anyway, come Saturday I was taking a leak and feeling a mite tender from all the "rubbing." Or "polishing. or "Powdering." OK, anyway... So I figured I'd hit this wonderful singles bar I'd heard about called the "Hide n' Seek." What a cute little name! Well, imagine my surprise when I get there and there ain't nothin' but DUDES there! "Where de women at!?" I thought to myself. I waited and waited and nothing. The night wasn't a total loss, though, I stank of stale beer and cigarettes when I returned home (my favorite "stink combo") and I HAD managed to get 3 or 4 phone numbers...

Sunday morning, my eyes hurt, my nose hurt, my throat was raw, I had what seemed to be an infection brewing in my left...um..."nut," I had two or three boils on my neck, my left arm was completely paralyzed and my butt itched. My tongue also had grown fur. And my hair was all wavy. And...and...

So anyways, I hobbled out of my shanty (I live in old Shanty Town!) and loped down the alleyway, screaming incoherently. It's always fun to make people cringe and run, sick with fear and loathing (self doubt, too!)...Try it the next time that YOU wake up horribly disfigured. Is fun times! Make sure what you got is REALLY repulsive though. An effed-up goiter and a distended belly just ain't gonna cut it, sparky. Slight discoloration of the skin and bad breath? bush-league. This ain't no traveling carnival, pal, this is the BIG show, you need to "take it up a notch" if you know what I mean. And I think you do...

Hey, assholes, the pizza is here and I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FROM ANY OF YOU! Dammit, people! I can't be picking up the tab all the time! Step up or step out...Man....

So, anyway, I woke up sometime in the afternoon in a ditch about a mile from Shanty Town. I was bloodied and hungry, but otherwise alright. All of my ailments had mysteriously disappeared. Of course, I could've dreamt the whole thing. I wandered back to Shanty number 4 and had lunch, a wonderful meal made up of little mice, dirt, dust bunnies and a wonderful roux that I made with the mouse...juice...Or whatever that liquid is. I then made an appointment to see my personal psychic.

When I got to the office of "the Psychic Sidekick" I was told I'd have to wait. There were all the same magazines on the table in the waiting area, and I've read them more than once. Not wishing to bore myself to death, I stared out the window. Lucky I did, too, because I got to see someone steal a radio and all four tires from a car in the lot. Ha ha, I can't imagine the look on the face of the poor son of a bitch that owns THAT Kia...

Anyhoo, between wondering which of the numbers in my pocket to call first and watching petty theft occur, the time passed well. Eventually the Psychic was ready to see me. When I walked in, he said "I knew I'd be seeing you today." I HATE when he does that. "Fuck you, Jimmy, you're SUPPOSED to be psychic! And of course you KNEW! I MADE A GODDAMNED APPOINTMENT!" I yelled. We then scuffled and he threw me out. Eff him, fucking psychic nutcase! I'm not even gonna pay my copay! Ha, hope he saw THAT coming...

As a side note, I think I'm going to start a new career. I want to be Popeye. I don't mean, like, the MASCOT at Popeye's chicken, I mean Mother Fuckin' Popeye and shit. I'm gonna join the Navy, bulk up the SHIT outta my forearms, get tattoos, get my eye poked out, presumably in a fight, I'm gonna take up smoking a pipe, I'm going to adopt a surly and violent attitude, go awol, find a skinny chick to bang and taunt her goliath of an ex-lover with vegetables and daily ass-whuppin's. Aw Hell yeah, I'm gonna be Popeye. Olive Oyl Auditions are around back, ladies...

So anyway, I left the office of the Psychic Shithead and headed for home. When I started out, however, It felt like my car was running funny. I stopped, got out and looked and OH SHIT, my tires are gone! Where could I have lost them? I searched and searched but to no avail. In addition, it looks like I've misplaced my radio. I don't think I left it where I left the tires, but if you see either, let me know. Really, I need to get home. To my shanty. In old Shanty Town. Near the alley. You know the one. (number 4).

I want a pony! Get me a pony! I WILL ASK SANTA FOR A PONY! YOU BETTER COME THROUGH THIS TIME, YOU FAT BASTARD! I'LL LIGHT A FIRE IN THERE THIS CHRISTMAS EVE, I SWEAR TO GOD!..

So, by the by, I walked home to my shanty. I flopped on my cot to rest, but misery of miseries, it collapsed beneath my mighty weight. I decided immediately that I must diet! I weighed myself using the giant scale that I've been working on and my weight came up to (approximately) "a big thing, replete with stuff." "That's too much," I thought to myself and so I set to regimenting my eating habits. I will no longer enjoy my roux of mouse...stuff, but only eat the dirt. It's less fattening and it's availability is staggering. Heck, it's EVERYWHERE...

So there I sat, in my shanty (in old Shanty Town) eating dirt (flavored with the occasional ant) when the door bell rang.

"Who is it?" I said...There was no answer. "WHOOOO EEEES EEEET?" I said, louder...Still no answer. "WHO IS IT!?" I shouted. Nothing. Damn, I hate those neighborhood kids.

Ha ha...Just realized I don't have a doorbell. I...um...Don't know what made the bell noise...Ah heh...um...hmm...

So anyways, I'm off to purchase some Canadian meds (and hopefully a Canadian doctor to administer treatment) off of ebay. The auction ends in 4 minutes, so wish me luck! Big money, big money no whammies...

STOP!

wah wah wahhhhhhhh.......

Hey, there's one piece of pizza left! Anyone? no? ok....

Leaning On A Lamppost...

2004-06-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

I am living one big "choose your own adventure!" In fact, I am labeled "Some Assembly Required." Would someone please Ass. me? Anybody? A little Ass. help here!..Ah, well...Hey, random word list:

doctor and the medics
old lady smell
yacking Smeernoff
internet shminternet
"I am canadian" but really not...
Seared meat
Who's got time to...oops. out of time.
fleabag
yukon Jack
eye for an eye (old school!)

The Round Mound Of Storytelling

2004-06-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

It's the big switcheroo, people! I'm so devious I've developed a game that can't possibly be won! There are going to be these "Letter Strings" that have to be integrated into larger letter strings AND OH MY GOD, IT'S THE ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN! COME BACK! I HAVE MONEY THIS TIME! PLEEEEAAAAASSSEEEE...

*Sigh* Someday...Someday I'll get my hands on the cool, sweet treats that that bastard keeps locked away from me...Mark my words, Popsicle purveyor...THEY WILL BE MINE! Oh yes...They WILL be mine...Until then, enjoy this link!

History of the World (Round 3)

2004-06-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

Kitten Meat and Mary Milk (and little lambsey diseys. or whatever)...

There always HAS to be a winner AND a loser, unless there's a tie, and then there's probably someone who simply got shafted. The great thing about winning, though, is that you can look upon EVERYONE ELSE as "losers." Jenn can commence with that....now.
----
Nipples, Meat, Milk, Cows, Chicks. That pretty much sums it up, yeah?

----
Man, there ain't no room for second place! GO HARD OR GO HOME, PEOPLE! 2ND PLACE IS THE FIRST LOSER! Or so they say, I dunno, it's better than 3rd. Or even being tied for second. Man, I'm hungry...
----
Cats, Daughter, Water, KEEEEL YOUUUUU, and one big ass burlap bag. Or would it be a gunny sack? What the hell is a gunny sack, anyway? What goes in it? Gunnies? I doubt THAT...
----

Demon Spawn! Demony Demon Spawn! Demon Merengue Pie! Demonade! Demon Fresh Pledge. (hey, this is fun!)
----
Kitchen, Sadness, Baby smell, Stink of Baby, Sadness, Moroseness, Despair. Aww, man, I'm all sad now.
----

MM, enticing, yes? There will be more. OH YES, THERE WILL BE MORE! Unless there isn't, in which case...um...Forget I said that.

I'm Out Searchin'...

2004-06-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna find her! I swear to God! Didya ever notice that older songs (in this case, the 1957 Coasters classic "Searchin") really have a "Stalker" slant to them? Apparently, you were allowed to get away with a lot more before people slapped you with the restraining order back then. I don't know. I'd start stalking chicks, but I'm reeeeeeal lazy. It'd be more like me calling them on the phone..."Hello?" Hey, um...could you come drive by my house a few times?" *click*

Could anyone make me a really awesome and functional custom product for, say, under $50? No? Ok, never mind.

Ungrateful bastards...

I am now in the process of figuring out the atomic weight of the essential element known as "desire." YOU GOTTA WANT IT, PEOPLE!" Now, back to the drawing board! (to draw).

Forum Shops® Progress Report...

2004-06-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I have a problem. It seems that these "sad little skeletons" that I described in my first Casear Collin's Forum Shops® post WERE ACTUALLY PEOPLE at one time. As such, they have FAMILIES! These "families" are all protesty and weepy about my disposal plans for their "loved ones"...Little "blood is thicker than water" bastards...Until I find a way around these whiny little FREAKS, my big plans are on hold...

So, if for whatever reason, you're ABSOLUTELY JONESIN' for upscale shopping inside a crypt, may I suggest the Citadel Mall? I had a dream...Nay, A VISION, when I was younger about a horrid corpse of someone who had been murdered and buried at the Citadel. This would be downstairs, JC Penney Wing right outside of...What...The Pet Store. So that should do it.

One last thing. I just found out that I have a direct link to other people around me. It's called a "Telephone." WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY CLUE ME IN SOONER!? It's got buttons and this..."receiver" thing. The best part? EVERYBODY HAS A UNIQUE NUMBER I.D. THING! All I have to do is press the corresponding number with these "number buttons" AND I GET CONNECTED TO THEM! I can then actually TALK with these people. no more Post-It notes for me, baby!

Hopefully, you have a direct link to me as well...I look forward to your dialing my unique number i.d. thingy...

This Just In...

2004-06-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

I have a "friend." His name is Justin. We like to go to the park and ride bikes and catch frogs and then we go to his mom's house and she gives us juice and I like juice because...What? Whaddaya mean it's time for my medication!? Stay the Hell away from me, men in white coats! I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Modesty is the best policy, especially if you look bad in a bikini.

There was a small (teeny tiny) "floater" today. I was disgusted, shocked and appalled. If I find out who left this particular little chunk, I shall surely destroy them. BEWARE, CHUNK LEAVERS! PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOOOOM!

Stanley Cup Game 7!

2004-06-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

Tampa Bay, Tampa Bay, Tampa Bay! Whooo! Dave Andreychuk wins the cup! What a moment! I LOVE YOU, SWEET WONDERFUL GAME OF HOCKEY! I LOOOOOOOOVEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUU!

Oh yeah, stories and stuff...There's these...Words...and...letters...and then you put letters together....and then there's words...with...stuff...Damn..OK! 5 random words!

Quit
Lookin
At
My
Undies.

Have fun!

(And yes, these words were chosen totally at random. "Lookin" being there is a nasty little coincidence.)

What're YOU Lookin' At?!

2004-06-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so when I started this thing here (that you're reading RIGHT NOW) I didn't have any plans of being popular. Well, it's happened, folks...At least that's what my publicist says...I'm now (for the next 4 seconds, anyway) MORE POPULAR THAN JESUS! I mean Jesus Martinez, the guy that pushes the tamale cart over on Paseo. He can be a real jerk sometimes...

I have big ideas, people, big ideas! I'm an idea man! I'm gestalt! AND NO, THAT ISN'T THE SAME AS GAUNT, YOU VOCABULARY CHALLENGED BASTARD! Ah-heh...um...

So i was kicking the dog around the other day and decided that it was high time that I became the "Las Vegas of Colorado Springs." I have opened "Caesar Collin's Forum Shops." It's meant to augment the shopping experience for locals, not replace it. Never fear, you'll still have your Citadel and your Briargate Shops...Now, you have (yet another) choice for your overpriced crapola needs...

Currently, it's a sad little skeleton of a shopping mall. Actually, it's also full of sad little skeletons, you see, it's a former mausoleum. I got a killer deal on the place! Now, all I have to do is find a place to stash the bodies and we're home free...

Tomorrow I shall begin selling space in my Forum Shops. There shall surely be a mad dash to be the first to sign up for space in my prestigious "mall of the dead," so if you plan on grabbing yourself a piece of the "action," so to speak, get there early. We'll have coffee, donuts and souvenir femurs for the first 25 in line.

I often sit and lament the current state of politics. I also kick around the idea of "voting" in an effort to influence the outcome...I hear good things! I should really look into that someday...

So there you be. As of now, Caesar Collin's Forum Shops are nothing but a fetid stinkhole, rife with death and despair BUT NEVER FEAR! We'll have a Starbucks and a Q'Doba under contract before you know it...

At the end of the rainbow...

2004-06-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

Lies a fortune. A fortune in GOLD and baked clams, guarded by a wily little leprechaun who will ask you riddles. Well, more like trivia questions. Someone gave him the Trivial Pursuit® Genus III edition and his little green ass can't get enough of it...Little bastard.

The first thing I had to do today, before catching up on email, was to remind my coworkers how empty my life had been without them. OH HOW I LOVE YOU, SWEET JOB OF MINE!..

Nobody has been bothering me today with ridiculous requests, but that's nothing new. I'm mostly allowed to work in peace, doing my own thing without interruption or direction. I am SO in the right place right now. Me loves it!

Also, this morning, I came in and realized that a little birdy took a poopy on my computer keyboard. Remember, flying vermin, THIS MEANS WAR! You will soom be my dinner as I use my keen hunter-killer senses to find you and grill you up to a nice medium-rare. mmmmmm.....

So, in closing, happy to be back, love my job and my coworkers and WATCH YOUR ASS, BIRD! I'm right behind you...

There's this band called Midnight Oil...

2004-06-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

And they sang some songs but I'm sure they sucked since I can't remember any of them. But, I cannot sleep right now (no rest for the wicked) so I figured I would take some time and screw up my template and links so nobody can navigate anywhere with them. I tried this earlier in the week and just when I had finished it up it seems that I didn't do it wrong enough and it all still worked. Dammit, I'm oozing competence and it's driving me "batty."

I will SO ENJOY being back at work on Monday. I miss my coworkers, laying around like a lazy bum at home and spending time with my kids? Overrated to say the least...

The easiest thing for me on Monday, I know, will be waking up and leaping from bed, fully refreshed from my wonderful night's sleep. I am SOOOO a morning person. So are my kids! Why, right now, my little monkey of a daughter is snug as a bug in a rug, asleep in her little bed, probably dreaming of wonderful, family related things. Maybe even a trip to the swimming pool!

I am never forgetful or even "gestalt." Frankly, I don't even know what that last phrase means!

So, for now, That's it. I am now running to bed so I can get a good night's sleep and rejoin my faithful buddies at work tomorrow morning. OH HOW I'VE MISSED YOU, WORK BUDDIES! I'll be back soon!

Two Ringy Dingies...

2004-06-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to follow rules. They're just so "hard."

x1: You are allowed one bathroom break.
x2: If you use too many sentence enhancers (Hell, Damn, Mary Queen of Scots, Sally, etc.) you will be fined four dollars and one banana.
x3: Label your underwear NOT with the days of the week, but, just for fun, with specific times and dates. "This pair of briefs to be worn only for 4 hours on May 30th, 2002. Any use outdside of this designated time period shall result in a "streak" of some kind." Of course, if you have room to write all of that on your underwear, you have bigger problems to worry about.
x4: Don't waste your vote. What I mean by this is, if you're going to vote for Ralph Nader, or write-in for Krusty the Klown again, you may as well just stay home. Seriously.
x5: There's more to this voting thing. I'd like to say more but THE WALLS HAVE EARS! I dare not speak it.
x6: There is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO rule 6
x7: no Pooftas. or however it's spelled.

If there seems to be a surge or a swell, you will be alerted via the normal channels. If you have to ask, I shouldn't be telling you.

Good luck, and God speed.

Here are the words for this round:

I
Seriously
Don't
Like
Tater-Tots.

With My Mind On My Cupboard...

2004-06-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

And my cupboard on my mind..."Hi. I'm indisposed, but if you leave your name and number at the boop I'll track you down and make you wish you were never ever EVER born. Or is it 'borned?' ah Hell..."

Actually, I needed this "indisposition" like I need another hole in my head. I'm going anywhere and everywhere I can, spreading my message of peace, love, harmony and the buying of the whole world some coke. Not a coke, some...I don't like to share. That's pretty much the way all of my vacations have been since I got out of the State Pen. I use them to try to get wound up tighter than...well..a very tight thing so's I can make it to my next indisposition.

Derek really is "the man"...I really feel the need to type that right here...

I like Las Vegas, but I despise England. I'd choose to live anywhere but there (Eeengland). I'm saying this because I'm a perfectly normal American male with no obsessive tendencies whatsoever. I NEVER worry about ANYTHING because I'm well-adjusted beyond all comprehension. I am going to demonstrate this by throwing the phrase "ad nauseam" at you. This shows that I am not only well adjusted, but that I possess a higher level of intelligence than your average scummy person, filthy with their scum.

scum...

One of the things that I like to do is lie. I am going to lie RIGHT NOW!..Here we go: I have been able to take my kids to the park to play every day so far, and we went to see 'Shrek 2' today, which was a fun movie.

I am always so Goddamned happy, tonight my son inquired as to when I would become angry and, potentially, discipline him in an aggressive and inappropriate manner. I told him not to worry, that he'd be a teenager soon and I should surely have occasion to become angry with him and allow my emotions to take control of me. I assured him that I would, at that time, display rage. He seemed to be satisfied with my answer and he toddled off to bed, his belly full of warm food and his heart filled with sweet, sweet love.

I read a story today about an elderly woman who died after being bitten by a rabid squirrel. I'd wager that she taunted the poor creature! YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED, YOU OLD, SQUIRREL MOLESTING HAG! Ah-heh...Sorry about that...

I'm thinking of becoming a lawyer. I could then make heaps of cash from countless poor slobs who have to rely on their insurance companies to pay the hefty judgements I should surely win from them, thereby ruining their potential insurability. I could sue folks for such things as "mental trauma due to unpleasant asthetics" and possibly even "Giving innocent citizens the 'stink-eye.'" Should be fun, I'll keep you all posted. STINK-EYE GIVERS BEWARE! I AM ON YOUR FILTHY, SCUM-LADEN TRAIL!..

*BOOOOP*

Game On!

2004-06-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the inaugural post of the official Bizarro Collin site...Now, All we have to do is wait to see what Collin's gonna do and then...Well...Do the opposite...

Wow, that should be easy...