I am clearly an adventurer! Of course, being out in the adventure...um...places for a long time can be quite lonely. And sad. Also, lonely. *Sigh*

doctor,
doctor,
gimme
the
news
I
gotta
baaaaaad
case
of
lovin'
ewes...

---

Ok, see, mind you that my life of ease and leisure comes at a price! That price being "$14.99" From each of you. Look, if you want pizza and cocktails, you have to pitch in. Otherwise, there's the door. Show your broke ass out.

Actually, you can stay. Let's chat about how morosely romantic the sun is! Stare at it! You can't help but cry. At the very least, you'll be rubbing your bleary, teary eyes and moaning in pain. Emotional pain! Blissful, searing emotional pain. Ah, how I've missed it so...

Hey, on friday, lets all go out to the Go-Kart park! we can race around, run into each oth....What the Hell do you MEAN they "tore it down!?" DAMMIT!..FUCK YOU, PARKING LOT! FUCK YOU TO HELL! or something...

So, anyway, come Saturday I was taking a leak and feeling a mite tender from all the "rubbing." Or "polishing. or "Powdering." OK, anyway... So I figured I'd hit this wonderful singles bar I'd heard about called the "Hide n' Seek." What a cute little name! Well, imagine my surprise when I get there and there ain't nothin' but DUDES there! "Where de women at!?" I thought to myself. I waited and waited and nothing. The night wasn't a total loss, though, I stank of stale beer and cigarettes when I returned home (my favorite "stink combo") and I HAD managed to get 3 or 4 phone numbers...

Sunday morning, my eyes hurt, my nose hurt, my throat was raw, I had what seemed to be an infection brewing in my left...um..."nut," I had two or three boils on my neck, my left arm was completely paralyzed and my butt itched. My tongue also had grown fur. And my hair was all wavy. And...and...

So anyways, I hobbled out of my shanty (I live in old Shanty Town!) and loped down the alleyway, screaming incoherently. It's always fun to make people cringe and run, sick with fear and loathing (self doubt, too!)...Try it the next time that YOU wake up horribly disfigured. Is fun times! Make sure what you got is REALLY repulsive though. An effed-up goiter and a distended belly just ain't gonna cut it, sparky. Slight discoloration of the skin and bad breath? bush-league. This ain't no traveling carnival, pal, this is the BIG show, you need to "take it up a notch" if you know what I mean. And I think you do...

Hey, assholes, the pizza is here and I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FROM ANY OF YOU! Dammit, people! I can't be picking up the tab all the time! Step up or step out...Man....

So, anyway, I woke up sometime in the afternoon in a ditch about a mile from Shanty Town. I was bloodied and hungry, but otherwise alright. All of my ailments had mysteriously disappeared. Of course, I could've dreamt the whole thing. I wandered back to Shanty number 4 and had lunch, a wonderful meal made up of little mice, dirt, dust bunnies and a wonderful roux that I made with the mouse...juice...Or whatever that liquid is. I then made an appointment to see my personal psychic.

When I got to the office of "the Psychic Sidekick" I was told I'd have to wait. There were all the same magazines on the table in the waiting area, and I've read them more than once. Not wishing to bore myself to death, I stared out the window. Lucky I did, too, because I got to see someone steal a radio and all four tires from a car in the lot. Ha ha, I can't imagine the look on the face of the poor son of a bitch that owns THAT Kia...

Anyhoo, between wondering which of the numbers in my pocket to call first and watching petty theft occur, the time passed well. Eventually the Psychic was ready to see me. When I walked in, he said "I knew I'd be seeing you today." I HATE when he does that. "Fuck you, Jimmy, you're SUPPOSED to be psychic! And of course you KNEW! I MADE A GODDAMNED APPOINTMENT!" I yelled. We then scuffled and he threw me out. Eff him, fucking psychic nutcase! I'm not even gonna pay my copay! Ha, hope he saw THAT coming...

As a side note, I think I'm going to start a new career. I want to be Popeye. I don't mean, like, the MASCOT at Popeye's chicken, I mean Mother Fuckin' Popeye and shit. I'm gonna join the Navy, bulk up the SHIT outta my forearms, get tattoos, get my eye poked out, presumably in a fight, I'm gonna take up smoking a pipe, I'm going to adopt a surly and violent attitude, go awol, find a skinny chick to bang and taunt her goliath of an ex-lover with vegetables and daily ass-whuppin's. Aw Hell yeah, I'm gonna be Popeye. Olive Oyl Auditions are around back, ladies...

So anyway, I left the office of the Psychic Shithead and headed for home. When I started out, however, It felt like my car was running funny. I stopped, got out and looked and OH SHIT, my tires are gone! Where could I have lost them? I searched and searched but to no avail. In addition, it looks like I've misplaced my radio. I don't think I left it where I left the tires, but if you see either, let me know. Really, I need to get home. To my shanty. In old Shanty Town. Near the alley. You know the one. (number 4).

I want a pony! Get me a pony! I WILL ASK SANTA FOR A PONY! YOU BETTER COME THROUGH THIS TIME, YOU FAT BASTARD! I'LL LIGHT A FIRE IN THERE THIS CHRISTMAS EVE, I SWEAR TO GOD!..

So, by the by, I walked home to my shanty. I flopped on my cot to rest, but misery of miseries, it collapsed beneath my mighty weight. I decided immediately that I must diet! I weighed myself using the giant scale that I've been working on and my weight came up to (approximately) "a big thing, replete with stuff." "That's too much," I thought to myself and so I set to regimenting my eating habits. I will no longer enjoy my roux of mouse...stuff, but only eat the dirt. It's less fattening and it's availability is staggering. Heck, it's EVERYWHERE...

So there I sat, in my shanty (in old Shanty Town) eating dirt (flavored with the occasional ant) when the door bell rang.

"Who is it?" I said...There was no answer. "WHOOOO EEEES EEEET?" I said, louder...Still no answer. "WHO IS IT!?" I shouted. Nothing. Damn, I hate those neighborhood kids.

Ha ha...Just realized I don't have a doorbell. I...um...Don't know what made the bell noise...Ah heh...um...hmm...

So anyways, I'm off to purchase some Canadian meds (and hopefully a Canadian doctor to administer treatment) off of ebay. The auction ends in 4 minutes, so wish me luck! Big money, big money no whammies...

STOP!

wah wah wahhhhhhhh.......

Hey, there's one piece of pizza left! Anyone? no? ok....