I stumbled on a website where, for the paltry sum of (your soul) you can have any demon, up and to Beelzebub himself, call you (or a loved one) and deliver a special customized message! Some of the messages that you can have delivered are as follows:

"You'll be killed in a car accident soon" $19.95 (us)
"O.J. did it" $19.95 (us)
"You're not as cool as you think" $19.95 (us)
"All the kids are selling THEIR souls, why not you?" $19.95 (us)
"Happy Barmitzvah" $19.95 (us)
"Your spouse has been cheating on you" $19.95 (us)
"Your house has termites" $19.95 (us)
"Happy anniversary" (great in tandem with "spouse cheating"-2 for $25.00) $19.95 (us)
"Your pet really isn't as smart as you give them credit for" $19.95 (us)
"Hey, spooky, you're not really a vampire" $19.95 (us)
"My butt itches" $19.95 (us)
"The Insane Clown Posse, while spooky, aren't really magic" $19.95 (us)
"I know what you're getting for Christmas and it's gonna suck" $19.95 (us)
"Secretly, your mom hated you" $19.95 (us)
"You're scheduled to die cold and alone" $19.95 (us)
"Pro wrestling isn't real" $19.95 (us)

And more! Also, from the FAQ section of the site, these nuggets of wisdom appear:

Q: Does it hurt to sell my soul?
A: not at first

Q: Can I write my own custom message?
A: no.

Q: How can you do this so cheap?
A: You think your soul is cheap?

Q: No, all the prices say $19.95 US
A: Ohhhh, yeahhh....All of our calls are $19.95 (US). prices slightly higher in Canada justsignonthedottedlineinbloodandshutup.

Q: What if I'm not home when they call?
A: too fucking bad. We had a deal.

Q: What if I don't have a phone?
A: even better.

I'm hoping to get JFK to call my neighbor here in Old Shanty Town. That'll be cool. Now, I just have to wait for him to get a phone and me to get a soul...